How to Talk to Men
Okay, this is not literally about “how to talk to men” — I just wanted a title that grabbed your attention. What we’re really diving into here are strategies for communicating clearly, calmly, and effectively while dating. Because let’s be honest, sometimes talking to someone you like can feel like learning a new language.
Maybe you’ve found yourself thinking:
“How do I actually get my message across?”
“Why doesn’t my partner seem to ever understand me?”
“Am I overthinking everything?”
If any of these are coming up, you’re not alone.
Communication Tips for Healthy Dating
Communication in dating can feel tricky, especially when anxiety, past experiences, or attachment patterns sneak in. But here’s the good news: You can learn to express your feelings, share your needs, and connect with your partner — without drama or constant overthinking.
In this post, we’re going over practical strategies tp help you:
Communicate your feelings clearly 😮💨
Reduce anxious thoughts that get in the way 👌
Express your needs in a way your partner can actually hear 😍
Strengthen your connection so you can enjoy your dating life more 🤝
Step 1: Start With Your Why 🪷
Before diving into any conversation, remind yourself why you’re dating this person. Many people choose partners because:
You enjoy spending time with them
You value them as a person
You want to build a meaningful connection
When your communication comes from that place of curiosity and appreciation, it sets a positive tone and prevents reactive or defensive patterns.
Step 2: Notice Where Anxiety Shows Up 🕵🏽♀️
A lot of miscommunication stems from anxiety or attachment patterns. You might find yourself thinking:
“What if they don’t like me?”
“Am I annoying them?”
“Will this even work out?”
When anxiety drives your communication, it’s easy to lash out or over-explain. Statements like:
“We’re never going to make this work.”
“You don’t understand me.”
…can push your partner away because they feel like criticism rather than an invitation to connect.
If anxious attachment is something you notice in yourself, I go deeper into this topic in my post on anxiously attached relationships.
Step 3: Catch More Bees With Honey 🍯
Sometimes we say things from a place of anxiety and frustration and it comes out really badly. Our partner doesn’t actually get to hear our message because they feel attacked. Their defences go up because our defences are up, and then the actual message gets lost.
A simple framework can make a big difference:
Feeling – Share how you feel without blame.
Roadmap – Suggest a next step or solution.
Compliment/Affirmation – Highlight something you appreciate about your partner.
Below are seven real-life scenarios showing how the same message can sound very different depending on how you frame it. The first column shows the anxious approach, and the second shows the effective approach using this framework. Think of it as a cheat sheet for communicating in a way that actually lands.
| Scenario | Anxious Approach | Effective Approach (Feeling + Roadmap + Compliment/Affirmation) |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Wanting More Quality Time | You never want to spend time with me and we will never get to see each other. | I really enjoy spending time with you (feeling). Can we plan a date for this weekend? (roadmap) I really appreciate how hardworking you are (compliment/affirmation). |
| 2. Inviting Them to Family Dinner | If you want, you can come to my family dinner this weekend, but if not, no worries. I know it’s not your thing. | I’m excited for you to meet my family (feeling). Can you make it to dinner on Saturday? (roadmap) I love how much you make me laugh (compliment/affirmation). |
| 3. Wanting More Help Around the House | You never help me with chores. I can’t keep doing everything alone! | I really feel more relaxed when we share chores (feeling). Could we plan a time this weekend to tackle a few together? (roadmap) I really appreciate how thoughtful you are and that you changed my tires for me last week (compliment/affirmation). |
| 4. Needing More Communication During the Week | You never text me. Don’t you care about me? | I feel really valued and connected when we check in during the week (feeling). Can we try texting each other at least once a day? (roadmap) I love how funny and supportive you are, and it makes me happy when we talk (compliment/affirmation). |
| 5. Discussing Personal Boundaries | You never respect my space. I can’t deal with this anymore! | I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have some alone time (feeling). Could we set aside an hour tonight where I have some space to recharge? (roadmap) I really appreciate that you’re always looking out for me and I want to show up fully when we hang out (compliment/affirmation). |
| 6. Addressing Plans Being Changed Last Minute | You always change plans at the last minute. Don’t you think about me? | I feel at peace and excited when we have plans scheduled in advance (feeling). Can we confirm plans the night before whenever possible? (roadmap) I love how much fun we have together (compliment/affirmation). |
| 7. Talking About Emotional Support | You never listen to me. You don’t care about how I feel! | I feel heard and supported when we talk about what’s going on in my day (feeling). Could we set aside a few minutes tonight to catch up? (roadmap) I really appreciate how thoughtful and attentive you are (compliment/affirmation). |
This approach helps your partner understand your needs without feeling criticized — and keeps your relationship on a positive, collaborative path. These are some of the strategies we might go over in individual or couple’s therapy.
Step 4: Self-Soothing Before Communicating 🧘🏾♀️
It’s crucial to self-soothe before important conversations. If you’re at a level 10 stress, your partner won’t hear your message, they’ll feel attacked or pressured instead.
Ways to self-soothe include:
Taking deep breaths or box breaths
Going for a short walk
Writing down your thoughts before speaking
Repeating a calming mantra, like “I can communicate clearly and calmly”
Going to a workout class
Watching an upbeat T.V show episode
Once you’re grounded, you can communicate your needs in a way that your partner can receive — creating more harmony in your relationship.
If you want some quick, practical ways to calm your nervous system before or after a tough conversation, check out the free Rest & Reset Rituals download with 8 one-to-three-minute practices to help you feel steady, calm, and centered.
Step 5: It’s Okay to Ask for Support 💝
While self-soothing is important, it’s also okay to turn to your partner for comfort. Relationships are about mutual care. The difference is that you communicate your needs from a calm, clear place rather than letting anxiety dictate the conversation. These are some things we build up in therapy if you’re looking to dive deeper.
Step 6: Practice Makes Perfect (enough) 🪴
Improving communication takes time and awareness. You won’t get it right every time and that’s okay. The goal is progress, not perfection. By practicing:
Expressing feelings without blame
Offering solutions instead of criticism
Showing genuine appreciation
You’ll start to notice less conflict and more connection in your dating life.
Key Takeaways
Remember your “why”: Why you’re dating and what you value
Notice when anxiety drives your communication
Use the feeling + roadmap + compliment formula
Self-soothe before difficult conversations
Ask for support calmly
Practice consistently, it gets easier over time
Bonus Resource: Tiny Resets for Your Nervous System
If anxious thoughts tend to take over before a conversation, grounding yourself can make a huge difference. My free download, Rest & Reset Rituals, offers 8 simple 1–3 minute practices to calm your nervous system, reduce stress, and come back to yourself — perfect to do before (or after) a tricky conversation. Or join our upbeat one a month free Luma Letter to get exclusive tips and reminders.
Ready to Dive Further?!