What Is Sexual Agency? Build Confidence, Own Your Pleasure & Power
Think of sexual agency as your power to say “Yes,” “No,” or “Hell Yes,” with confidence.
In this sassy therapist’s guide, we’re ditching shame, owning our desires, and building the kind of sexual confidence that helps you feel fully in charge—emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Sexual agency is the ability to make conscious, informed, and empowered decisions about your body, your pleasure, and your relationships. It’s the art of owning your sexual self—your desires, your boundaries, your yes’s and your no’s—and feeling damn good about it.
Let’s be real: Most of us didn’t grow up with empowering messages about sexuality. Instead, we got a weird mix of fear, shame, silence, and the occasional awkward banana demo. Groundbreaking. So it’s no wonder so many of us feel disconnected from our sexual selves.
Sexual agency gives you the power to rewrite that narrative.
It’s not just about “knowing how to use protection” or “getting consent” (though yes, those are important and non-negotiable). It’s also about knowing what you want, feeling safe enough to explore it, and having the confidence to communicate it. It’s about understanding your body, respecting your needs, and feeling empowered to experience intimacy on your terms.
Whether you're exploring your sexuality for the first time, reclaiming it after trauma, or simply trying to deepen your connection to pleasure, building sexual agency helps you feel more grounded, more confident, and more in control.
I even did my Master’s thesis on sexual agency, “Discovering Women’s Sexual Agency: A Grounded Theory Study on Understanding Sexual Agency Factors”, so you know I’m passionate about this topic.
And here’s the secret sauce: Sexual agency is a skill. It can be learned, practiced, and strengthened, no matter where you’re starting from.
In this post, we’ll break down the 8 key factors that make up sexual agency, each one like a petal on a flower (because yes, your sexuality deserves to bloom). Together, these petals form a whole, helping you take charge of your sexual life with authenticity and power.
The 8 Key Factors of Sexual Agency
If sexual agency is the flower, these eight factors are the petals, each one playing a crucial role in how you grow and express your sexual self. Some petals might feel strong already, while others could use a little tending (no shame, just growth). Let’s break them down:
1. Sexual Confidence
Sexual confidence is your belief in yourself and your ability to make choices in sexual encounters. It’s about feeling empowered to express what you want and need. It’s knowing that your confidence can absolutely shift depending on the situation or partner.
Feeling bold with one person and more hesitant with another? That’s totally normal. That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you; it means sexual confidence is fluid, shaped by things like emotional safety, connection, consent, and your past experiences.
Building sexual confidence isn’t about performing or pretending to be fearless. It’s about learning to trust yourself, to know your wants, honour your pace, and feel safe in your choices. That trust is something you can build over time, especially in therapy or workshops that support your voice and sexual self-expression.
🌟 Want to keep the confidence boost going?
Don’t miss: 8 Ways to Own Your Confidence and Feel Sexy—No Apologies Needed. Because your power isn’t up for debate.
2. Sexual Self-Esteem
Sexual self-esteem is about accepting yourself as you are, imperfections, quirks, awkward moments and all. It’s the internal belief that you are worthy of love, pleasure, and connection just as you are. Remember, no one is perfect, and the beauty of our humanness is what connects us. Embracing your individuality and giving yourself permission to love your body, your desires, and your needs lays a powerful foundation.
It’s helpful to know that sexual self-esteem is different from sexual confidence. While sexual self-esteem is about your internal sense of worth, sexual confidence is more about how you show up in the world, your comfort in expressing your sexuality and navigating sexual situations. One is about how you feel about yourself, and the other is about how you present and engage. Both are important, and they often build on each other. Starting with self-acceptance can make it easier to move toward feeling confident in your sexuality.
✨Try This: Catch your inner critic dead in its tracks and flip it into your hype squad. Next time you hear that annoying voice saying, “I’m not sexy enough” or “I’m going to mess this up,” shut it down with one of these power moves:
“I deserve pleasure—and I’m gonna claim it.”
“My body is a damn temple, and I’m the queen/king of it.”
“Mistakes? Honey, those are just sexy plot twists.”
“I’m owning my space and my pleasure, no apologies.”
I’m a damn goddess and my pleasure is non-negotiable
Ready to make this your new mantra? Download your free mini confidence workbook for more spicy affirmations and fun exercises to crank up your sexual self-esteem and start owning your power like the badass you were born to be.
3. Body Image
How you see yourself (physically and emotionally) has a direct impact on your sexual experiences. Body image isn’t just about whether you like what you see in the mirror. It’s also about how you feel in your body during intimacy. If you're constantly worrying about how your stomach looks or whether your thighs jiggle, it's hard to stay present or feel fully deserving of pleasure.
Body confidence is an important part of sexual agency because your body isn’t just something to look at, it’s something to live in. It deserves to be honoured, not policed.
Let’s be clear: Having a body that doesn’t fit society’s narrow beauty standards does not disqualify you from pleasure, intimacy, or hot sex. Every body is a worthy body. And working toward a more compassionate, non-judgmental relationship with your physical self is one of the most radical acts of sexual empowerment you can take.
Therapy can help unpack the cultural crap and internalized messages you’ve absorbed and give you space to reconnect with your body on your own terms. If that’s the kind of support you're craving, you can book a session with me here.
4. Sexual Assertiveness
Sexual assertiveness means being able to speak up for your pleasure, your boundaries, your curiosities, and your “no-thank-yous”. It’s about confidently expressing what you want (or don’t want) without shame, without apology, and without waiting for permission.
Being sexually assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or dominant (unless that’s what you’re into 😉). It means you know your worth and you advocate for yourself from a place of clarity and self-trust.
Whether you're saying, “Harder,” “Softer,” “Not tonight,” or “I’m into this, let’s explore it”, you’re claiming your space. And that’s powerful AF.
Assertiveness can be tricky if you grew up being taught to prioritize others’ comfort over your own. But guess what? Your pleasure matters. Your boundaries matter. And learning to assert them is a muscle you can build—with practice, support, and maybe a few awkward first tries. (That’s normal. We love a growth moment.)
5. Sexual Self-Efficacy
Sexual self-efficacy is the confidence you have in your sexual abilities—not your actual skill level, but your belief in your ability to engage in and enjoy sexual experiences. It’s more about how you see yourself than what you can do.
Self-efficacy can be a confusing concept, so let’s break it down with a math example (ugh, I know—math, but stay with me). Imagine two people, Person A and Person B, who are equally skilled at math. They both understand the material at the same level. But Person A walks into a test thinking, “I’ve got this,” while Person B is panicking and thinking, “I’m going to fail.” Even though their actual abilities are the same, Person A has higher self-efficacy because they believe in their capability to succeed.
That’s exactly how sexual self-efficacy works: It’s not about being perfect or having all the answers, it’s about trusting yourself. And the more you practice tuning in and affirming that trust, the stronger that belief (and your self-efficacy) becomes.
6. Sexual Communication
Let’s be real: Most of us didn’t grow up learning how to actually talk about sex. So when it comes to saying, “I like this,” or “Can we try something different?”, we freeze. But sexual communication is where the magic happens.
It’s about being able to say what you want, ask for feedback, check in with your partner, and navigate difficult or new conversations without spiralling into shame or defensiveness. Open, honest, and consent-focused communication is the bedrock of emotionally safe and satisfying intimacy.
Want a fun (and sexy) way to practice your voice? Check out my Sexting 101 guide for tips on building confidence and owning your desires, or level up with Taking Your Sexting Confidence to the Next Level for empowerment and boundary-setting strategies.
And no, you don’t have to be a sex genius with a PhD in Dirty Talk. You just need a willingness to get a little uncomfortable in the name of connection. That’s where growth (and hot, healthy sex) begins.
Therapy can help you find your voice, get comfortable with vulnerability, and practice these skills in a way that feels authentic to you. Want to build your sexual confidence & communication in a safe space? Book a session with me today and let’s start your journey.
7. Self-Talk
You can’t feel empowered in your sexuality if your inner monologue sounds like a judgmental auntie at a family dinner. Self-talk is the way we speak to ourselves internally, and it can either be a cheerleader or a mean b**** you don’t even like.
Negative self-talk sounds like:
“Why am I like this?”
“I’m not sexy enough.”
“They’re probably not enjoying this.”
“I always mess this up.”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Changing your sexual self-talk starts with awareness. Once you catch those toxic messages, you can start rewriting them with affirmations rooted in compassion and truth. Things like:
“I deserve pleasure.”
“I am allowed to take up space.”
“I can learn and grow.”
“My needs matter.”
“I’m hot AF".”
Reframing your internal narrative is one of the most impactful things you can do for your sexual confidence. And the good news? It gets easier with practice.
8. Staying Present
Let’s talk about being in the moment. Because if you’re mentally drafting a grocery list during sex, dissociating from your body, or stuck in a shame spiral, you're not fully here. And that’s okay. It’s common. But learning how to stay present during intimacy is a major key to experiencing more connection, pleasure, and emotional safety.
Presence allows you to actually feel what's happening in your body and respond to it with curiosity and intention. It's the antidote to performance anxiety, overthinking, and disconnection.
Mindfulness, breathwork, grounding techniques, and even somatic therapy can help you develop this skill. It’s not about being perfectly zen, it’s about building the capacity to come back to yourself when your mind drifts or your body freezes.
Because your pleasure lives in the present—not in perfection.
💖 Which of these petals feels strongest for you right now? Which could use some extra care?
Why Understanding Sexual Agency is Crucial
Understanding these factors empowers you to take control of your own sexual well-being. It allows you to reclaim the power in your relationships, set boundaries that serve you, and create the intimate connections you deserve.
Ready to Start Building Your Sexual Agency?
Your journey toward sexual empowerment doesn’t have to be overwhelming and you don’t have to do it alone. Whether you're reconnecting with your body, learning to speak up for your needs, or exploring pleasure on your terms, sexual agency gives you the tools to show up fully, unapologetically, and powerfully.
✨ Want support along the way? Book a 1:1 therapy session and let’s work together to build your sexual confidence, self-esteem, and communication skills—all at your own pace.
📥 Prefer to start with a gentle (but powerful) first step?
Download your free mini confidence workbook and begin reconnecting with your desires, boundaries, and voice right now.
